my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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