I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
