i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
