she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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