Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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