Where is the hickey?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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