I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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