the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
