i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
