She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
