I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
