just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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