I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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