I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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