When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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