So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
