Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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