you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
