I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
