You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
