using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
