i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
