So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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