Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
