My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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