I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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