Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My ATM looks so different sober.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize