I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
