I puked a lego.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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