Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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