I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
They are going to name an STD after you.
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