I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
