kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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