I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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