remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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