Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
