The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
