Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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