96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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