No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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