My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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