As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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