Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
