She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize