The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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