you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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