I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
