my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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