my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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