why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
