Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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