I need to stop coming to work sober
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
