don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
