apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
