Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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