Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize