i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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