oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
