i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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