I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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