life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
God gave him joint rollers for hands
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
